Raccoon? What Raccoon?
by morningstar115
Summary: Two ensigns monitoring transmissions in a dull sector get to hear what happens when you put a raccoon on the Enterprise...Warnings: Crack-fic, sort of, and really, really silly. Oneshot.


Raccoon? What Raccoon?

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 **This is the weirdest thing ever...I was joking with a friend about "having the conn" (as in, "Mr. Sulu, you have the conn), and I mispronounced it as "coon". This is the result.**

 **Warnings: Pure, utter silliness. Don't even try to take it seriously.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. The two eavesdropping ensigns are figments of my imagination. As for the starbase...I picked a random number. Any resemblance to a starbase in canon is unintentional.**

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Monitoring subspace frequencies in the sector around Starbase 113 was typically a very boring job. Usually you weren't even supposed to answer the transmissions; just make sure they got to their intended recipients.

Ensign Torres groaned exaggeratedly as he threw down his earpiece on the consol before him. "I can't stand this anymore!" He glanced sideways at his fellow night shift worker, Ensign Darin, who continued to work calmly.

"You have to, Torres. It's our job."

The young man ran his hand through his dark hair, making it stand on end. "Seriously! Watching transmissions from the smallest starbase in the Federation in a sector where nothing ever happens? When I joined Starfleet, this wasn't what I signed up for!"

Darin continued to scan transmissions, her blond curls falling out of their ponytail and into her face. "Look, Torres, it's a job, isn't it? It's better than being unemployed or…Hey, wait…Torres, put your earpiece back in and listen to this!"

She sounded so uncharacteristically excited that he did so. " _…This is the starship_ U.S.S. Enterprise _…Reporting…ah, damage to ship's systems…_ "

"The _Enterprise_? The _flagship_?" Torres exclaimed. Darin shushed him so they could "overhear" the conversation taking place between the troubled ship and starbase command.

"Enterprise _, this is Starbase 113. What is the trouble?_ "

" _Well, you see_ …" The rather high-pitched voice was drowned out by another with a heavy Scottish accent. " _Get out of mah way, laddie! Starbase 113, this is Chief Engineer Scott. We're having more than a wee bit of trouble out here…_ "

"Enterprise, _do you require assistance?_ "

" _Do we require assistance? Well, that's a bloody understatement! I cannae contact tha' bloody Bridge, tha' warp engines are…Keenser, get your arse off that, it's not a bloody ladder! As ah was saying, it's a mess down here an'…_ "

A crackle of static signaled an overlapping transmission. " _Shut up, Mr. Scott, I'll handle this! Starbase 113, this is the Enterprise's Sickbay. The ship's stopped, half the comms aren't working, I can't find the first officer, and the captain…Jim, you stay where you are, damn it! If I have find out that you have one more damn allergy I swear to God I'll…Thank you, Nurse, give him another sedative when that one wears off, will you?...Right, anyway, this has been going on for at least two hours and you people are nearest, so I suggest you…_ "

Another voice cut over the gruff Southern one. " _Starbase 113, this ez Ensign Chekov of ze_ U.S.S. Enterprise _. About three hours ago we discowered a Terran smuggling wessel adrift in zis sector…_ "

" _Mr. Chekov, what the bloody 'ell does Mr. Sulu think he's doin' at the helm? Wha' did ye do to the propulsion system? We're dead in tha' damn water!_ "

"Enterprise, _is the ship in immediate danger of being destroyed?_ "

" _No, sir, ze ship ez functioning_ …"

" _Functioning, mah ass! Tha' engine's working well enough, but we're not goin' anywhere, and why is tha' Mr. Chekov? What 'av you done to her?_ "

" _Her, Mr. Scott? Eet's a her? You know where eet ez?_ "

" _Where wha' is?_ "

"Enterprise, _who is in command at present?_ "

" _It's supposed to be the damn green-blooded hobgoblin, but I can't find him and neither can anyone else!_ "

" _Ze…ze 'coon, Mr. Scott!_ "

" _Wha'? Tha' conn? Ah thought Mr. Sulu had the conn!_ "

" _No, eet bit him, Mr. Scott! Then eet ran away!_ "

" _Wha' the blasted bloody hell are you talking about, laddie?_ "

" _Not the conn, you idiot, the raccoon! He's talking about the damn raccoon!_ "

"Enterprise… _what raccoon?_ "

" _The goddamn furball that's been rocketing around the ship causing havoc and giving the captain the worst damn allergic reaction he's had since I gave him a vaccine for viral infection from Melvaran mud fleas! It's the reason you're probably going to have to send a blasted rescue mission out here to get us!"_

" _Eet was ze pet of one of ze smugglers, Mr. Scott!_ "

" _Alright, laddie, but what…Holy shit!_ "

" _For the last time, Mr. Chekov, where is the damn Vulcan? And what's the matter with you, Mr. Scott? Jim, lie back down, damn it! Nurse, I thought you knocked him out already!_ "

" _Keenser, drop that thing! It could be dangerous!_ "

" _Mr. Scott, do you have ze raccoon?"_

" _No, ah don't have it, Keenser does! Drop it, Keenser, it'll claw your face off!_ "

" _Mr. Scott_ , _you have to_ …"

A cool, _almost_ perfectly calm voice cut over the Russian's frightened babbling. " _Mr. Scott, please be so kind as to instruct Ensign Keenser to take the raccoon to the brig and reunite it with it's master. Dr. McCoy, how is the captain?_ "

" _He'll live, no thanks to you, you pointy-eared bastard! Where the hell have you been?_ "

There was a pause, then the calm voice spoke again. " _Starbase 113, this is First Officer Spock of the_ U.S.S. Enterprise _. We have the…situation under control. I apologize for the number of open channels you were forced to deal with; it is a communications issue which will be resolved shortly. Am I right, Lieutenant?_ "

A professional female voice responded, " _Yes, Commander_."

" _Very well,_ Enterprise _. Starbase 113 ou_ …"

" _Dr. McCoy! Ah know what he was doing! I just checked tha' recordings from tha' security cameras in Turbolift 2. He was in there snogging Lieutenant Uhura!_ "

" _Mr. Scott…_ " Ice had entered the calm voice.

" _Damn it, man, you put the ship and crew in jeopardy so you could go make out with your girlfriend? You son of a_ …" The transmission cut off.

Ensigns Torres and Darin removed their earpieces and leaned back in their chairs, staring at each other with wide eyes.

After a long moment, Torres said shakily, "Darin, I'll never say that our job is boring again."

By the time the two ensigns had finished laughing about it, the _Enterprise_ was on its way out of the system.

The crew was very eager to rid the ship of the raccoon.

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 **Erm...sorry? Unless you got a laugh out of it. Then you're welcome. :)**


End file.
